What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

What habits do happy couples have?

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

How do I explain to my husband that my 19-year-old son has accidentally gotten me pregnant?

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

What are some disadvantages of living in rural areas? What are the advantages?

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

The only rule us 5 kids had .

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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Who then, do I blame.?

I have BPD. Why do I destroy everyone I love?

My family never makes their pension either.

But it wasn’t much.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I waited trembling.

Have husbands and wives ever had a threesome with someone in real life? How did it happen?

But ive been too sick for many years..

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

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What did i know ?

It was going to be , some day.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Why is (n-1)(n+1)=n^2-1?

As i do to all so called friends.?

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

And i lived it daily.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

She was in good health!

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

One cannot live in the past .

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

She loved him until the end.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

And who doesn’t know suffering?

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Ive learnt so much.

I don,t even have a pension.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

She found it foreign!.

This is soul school!.

Put me off passion for life!!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I was seconnd youngest,

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

He knew the spot.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I will be 64.

I could never make a relationship work though!

I have no regrets .

I was scared of men, in general

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Was to survive, this bastard.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Why did i forgive my father ?

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I never cut or harmed myself..

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I said to her

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

(And it was in our own minds.)

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Would this be the day?

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I write beautiful poetry .

So whats the point in blame.

I think the readers, may guess!

My life is so biszare .

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

We were not on the streets..

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

When she asked me how she looked .

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

We all went to grammer schools

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I was 9 years of age.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

He resisted the act ,that day.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

So, i spoilt her more .

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I was very sick at this time too.

All the time i was locked up.

But, we were locked up after school.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

She wouldn,t have been !

Comes on , in middle age.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Im still living with it.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I couldn’t, believe it.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Especially a lifetime of it.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

She married twice! .

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

On the 31st of Jan this month .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!